My Life

Alleluias, joyous and wilted

Somewhere around the 4th or 5th week of Easter, I find myself remembering my friend, classmate, and colleague the Rev Cody Unterseher. I think about Cody not because the anniversary of his death is around this time of the year (April 25). I remember Cody because of what happened on Facebook in 2010.

Cody and I were at seminary together for one year–just long enough for a couple of those stereotypical (because they really happen) late night theological (well, liturgical) conversations, long enough to share parts of our stories, long enough to hear him preach (a sermon I still remember). We graduated together in 2008–me with an MDiv, Cody with an STM. After graduation we were Facebook friends. I would read his articles around the internet as he posted about them. I like having smart friends who make me think, with whom I don’t always agree. I hope he found some level of interest or joy in the updates from my life as a parish priest.

In 2010, for the Great Fifty Days of Easter, Cody posted “Alleluia! Christ is Risen!” in a different language everyday on Facebook.

For the first couple of days I thought it was interesting and a good reminder. In the second week, I thought it was a little drawn out. In the third week, I was over it. I could no longer even guess at the languages; I was no longer excited by the novelty of our yearly proclamation. But Easter and Cody weren’t over.

Just like our Easter Lilies, our Alleluias wilt–only faster. After 40 days of stifling our voices, of missing our joyous four-syllable proclamation, we can speak, shout, sing it again. At the Easter Vigil (my favorite), on Easter Sunday I can always hear the joy in people’s voices, in my voice as we proclaim our ‘Alleluias’ again.

Then the joy of reclaiming our “Alleluia” fades into the normality of life more quickly than the shocking joy of the resurrection should. By Easter 4, the joy of being permitted the recently forbidden has faded. The idea that “Alleluia! Christ is Risen!” is extraordinary starts to go over as well as another verse of “Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia.”

Until Cody. Until 50 days of reminders. By holding “Alleluia! Christ is Risen!” up for all of Easter, Cody moved me through the wilted Alleluia phase.

This year, most years since 2010, I remember Cody and 50 days of Alleluias I only understood through context, through what I knew those strange foreign words should mean. I remember reaching for a meaning I didn’t always understand, couldn’t prove, didn’t always feel. I remember the moment when I realized that this is what it means to be Easter-ed.

In the first moments of Easter it is easy to be over-joyed with our yearly proclamation. Then life continues. Our transformation into the people God calls us to be is slow, hard work. Sometimes I have to reach to be the person God is calling me to be, reach for what it means to be a part of Christian community when I don’t know if either can really exist. What God asks of me often feel strange and foreign in a world full of really terrible, sad things. When I act as if I have been Easter-ed, when I believe in and act on the things God asks of me, strange and foreign as they may seem, I start living into the meanings, the transformation, the faith I faithfully keep reaching towards.

So on Sunday I will remember Cody and 50 days of Alleluias. I will remember to reach for what I don’t always understand. Then, as the last strains of the processional hymn finish, as I exhale the in-between breath, I will faithfully and joyously proclaim, “Alleluia! Christ is Risen!”

Categories: Episcopal, My Life, Theology | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Practicing

This week has been bad.  I don’t know the adjectives to describe how bad.  It started with tragedy for too many people as the rest of the nation watched with horror, prayed in sympathy, and helped in kindness.  But the week refused to stop there.

Monday’s bombing at the finish line of the Boston Marathon was followed by Wednesday’s warehouse explosion in West, TX which was followed by Friday’s shooting of an MIT police officer in Watertown, MA.

Before all of this my week started with a tweet reminding us that this week included the anniversaries of the deadly end of the Waco siege (April 19, 1993), the Oklahoma city bombing (April 19, 1997), the Columbine school shooting (April 20, 1999), and the Virgina Tech shooting (April 16, 2007).  The last six months have not been kind to us.  A mass shooting in an elementary school in Sandy Hook CT on December 14, 2012. At least 2,244 gun deaths since then. (link)

We live in a violent world.  As I said on Good Friday, Incarnation was always going to end in pain, suffering, and death.  (link) I believe we are capable of not only taking measures to mitigate how much violence is possible, but to enact less pain and suffering on our brothers and sisters.  However, in the moments of this week, in the midst of  massive pain and suffering alongside the stresses of life that we already live with, I need help surviving.  Sometimes YouTube videos of kittens, pandas, and penguins are enough.  This week they are not.  This week the everything is too much.  The stress, the pain of the world is pushing my stress meter too far up.

This week I need help practicing the belief that life goes on.  I need help practicing hope.  I need help practicing gratitude.  I need help practicing joy.  I am not a person who regularly writes out lists of things I am grateful.  But the science says it works.  So, in no particular order:

  1. Friends.  In general but especially that handful of people who give me the gift of letting me be myself in their presence.  I hope you all know who you are.
  2. A job I love. I spend (a lot of) my hours doing work that I love.  People ask me into their lives, trust me with their concerns, and invite me to help represent our Church.
  3. I get to preach to Gospel and preside at Eucharist.  I know that this seems like it should be part of #2 but I really love my job.  It’s hard not to make these separate items, really.
  4. My dog has started playing.  I mean really playing.  He now steals the toy from me in tug of war.  2 1/2 years ago that didn’t happen, he was 65 lbs and I would win tug of war because he didn’t know what was going on.  We’ve also cut 4-9 minutes off our mile time for a walk.  Some of that is we’re faster, more of it is we spend less time on behavior corrections.
  5. My family.  They have never not supported me.  Whether in seeking ordination (and thus complicating weekends and holidays forever), moving across the country for seminary, or by buying me Biblical commentaries for Christmas.  They love me in all of my uber-geeky-ness.

I know this solves nothing.  But it helps me remember that we live in a violent world, but we do not live in a solely violent world.  Perhaps most importantly, we live.  We continue to muddle through our lives.  Getting up, practicing hope and love and gratitude, facing all of the things that happen.  Praying that we will make it through.

Let us pray

This is another day, O Lord, I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be.  If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely.  If I am to sit still help me to sit quietly.  If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently.  And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly.  Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus.  Amen. (BCP, pg 461)

There is more to be grateful for than what I have listed.  I believe we could all use some practicing  this week.  Please tell me some of things you are grateful for.

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120 Books, 40 Days

The year I bought the most (non-school) books was my senior year of college.

I was six or seven when I discovered books so I’ve spent almost a quarter century reading, buying, and accumulating books. One of the six bookshelves (yes, six) in my apartment is dedicated to books that I have found and anticipate keeping for a long period of time. Some of them are the books I’ve had since I was six or seven.

Books are full of words, ideas, places, and people that I fell in love with. All of it. From the other places and amazing character to the fascinating ideas and the words that brought me all of this. I was a bibliophile before I knew the word, with a healthy library habit and more books than my shelves could hold.

I think there is a bit of escapism in every reader. Otherwise we would find no pleasure in spending time in Shanara, Middle Earth, Pern, Narnia or more realistic but happily ending worlds of Beverly Cleary, LM Montgomery, and so many others that passed through my hands.

But my senior year of college was unique. That year I needed escape. I’d had brain surgery for the second time. Both my physical and emotional recovery were arduous. Thank God for used book stores and therapists. I relied on both.

I learned that while my therapist will help keep me sane, my book buying habits are the first bellwether of serious stress. When I start buying more books than I can read, repeatedly; when the books begin to over-pile the shelves, even by my standards; when things progress beyond the “I like five books but I only really want one” stage; it is time to worry. It has been several years since I worried myself. The upside to having a bellwether is, if you pay attention then you know what is happening.

This year I noticed, well, book creep for lack of a phrase. I wasn’t buying more books than normal. I just wasn’t also cleaning my shelves off. I like having my books in my space. I have at least nosed through nearly all of them and they are my friends. There are worlds and possibilities and things I want to know. And there was too much of it.

A combination of bookshelf contemplation and Lenten preparation led me to one conclusion: it was time for fewer books. And because I knew I would not do it without a number, I gave it one. For Lent, I would take 100 books out of my apartment. 100 of my friends, of the books I had held and read and wanted to know, gone.

The first 78 to go

The first 78 to go

There were rules, of course. I have always found it useful to be specific in my Lenten disciplines. (There is a difference between no candy and no chocolate.) Duplicate books counted. (I had a few on the theory that they would be books I would give away, eventually.) Fiction books didn’t count. (The fiction section of my library is better cultivated and edited than others so I knew it would be too easy to remove some of those books.) And all 100 books had to be out of the house or boxed by Easter. Anything else was too much wiggle room.

At the beginning of Lent I had cataloged 650 books in my library and figured there were about 50 uncatalogued books. (This should not shock you, I spent a lot of time in libraries as a child.) 100 books, my goal, was about %14 of my library. The first ten books were easy. The next ten weren’t too bad. I got to 50 without any huge difficulties. 50-75 was challenging. The last 45 (because I actually went 20 over) were a debate on every single book. But in 40 days 120 books left my apartment.

In my Ash Wednesday sermon this year, I preached that Lenten disciplines are about drawing closer to Christ. In selecting books to give away, I accepted. I accepted that I will never be an expert on the Cold War, the Holocaust, Celtic Christianity, and so many other things. I came to terms with only owning one book about many topics. I held old friends and got lost in a few. As I held books I could not part with I began to realize that this discipline wasn’t at all what I thought.

I had thought giving these books, my escapes, away would be about being more vulnerable and less armored. And that terrified me. In culling down my bookshelves, I have indeed found myself, not more vulnerable but less distracted. More aware of the things I may truly be called toward as opposed to just interested in.

Perhaps, this time, Jesus was on the bookshelf.

From I Can Has Ceezburger

From I Can Has Ceezburger

 

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Cotton Candy Dreams

I remember being not that little and watching the concession-person at the carnival magically spin the cotton candy into a fluffy pink ball to carry as we went home. Well, at least as we started home. I don’t think the cotton candy ever made it all the way home.
Once I started eating my ball of fluffed sugar, I was committed. Spun sugar is very sensitive. Cotton candy doesn’t react well to pressure, water, being eaten, or touched.

Dreams are hard to hold.

I have dreams of a Church where I don’t have to worry about the budget as I help people. A Church that understands what it means to want “younger” priests. A Church where every building and activity are fully accessible to all people. Dreams of Bishops. Dreams of change. Dreams of Pentecost fire, which cannot be put out.

Of course, I live and work in the real world. A world where the bottom line is too often the bottom line. My Church defines “young” priests as those under 35. Change is terrifying. We don’t talk about disability. And I’d rather not talk about the news.

Dreams are hard to hold.

For the seconds (it never lasted for minutes) I was holding my cotton candy, this pink, fluffy, caloric nightmare was the epitome of the carnival. It held a power that lasted longer than the fluffy pink sugar. I remember the sensation of those moments every time I think of the carnival, every time I see the (lesser) bagged cotton candy somewhere.

Dreams are hard to hold.

Unlike the cotton candy I used to eat, I don’t hold my own dreams. I meet my dreams, not once a year at the carnival, but every time I read about God’s mountain being a house of prayer for all people (Isa 56:7), when I read “let no one look down on you because of your youth” (1 Tim 4:12) and remember how young the disciples were, when I read about Jesus not just healing the hemorrhaging woman but insisting on speaking with her (Luke 8:43-48).

Dreams are hard to hold.

I am a beloved child of God. I have learned that means I have been given, charged with, graced into dreams too big for me. Dreams I cannot hold. Dreams God has been offering us and we have been grasping towards for millennia.

This is why Episcopalians have learned to ground Christian life in promises made with God’s help.

This is why I pray.

Direct us, O Lord, in all our doings with your most gracious favor, and further us with your continual help; that in all our works begun, continued, and ended in you, we may glorify your holy Name, and finally, by your mercy, obtain everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen (BCP, 832)

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Sunday Afternoon on Twitter

I have an ongoing goal to show that actual conversations happen on Twitter.  I like to think of Twitter as the online version of a great coffee shop where great conversation can happen.  So this afternoon on Twitter a group of us started talking about Eucharistic Prayers.

  1. Eucharistic Prayer A: Eucharistic Prayer B: Eucharistic Prayer C: Eucharistic Prayer D: Disclaimer: This … tmblr.co/ZA-KjtY1uxFt

  2. @BCPYouth I use them all, but many Churches do seem to revert to A a lot.

  3. @theologybird I personally like D the best, but alas, what can we do?

  4. @BCPYouth I Love D! Would use it more if ppl didn’t comment on the length. (I know. I know.) We’re working on it.

  5. @theologybird Such a beautiful service! The longer the service, the better! 

  6. @BCPYouth no arguments from me. But some ppl need a ramp up into such a life. 

  7. @theologybird @BCPYouth A is the most basic, and the shortest, but I *love* both B & D. And EP2 in EOW.

  8. @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth A is ‘almost’ Rite 1 in Rite 2 language. And they did some good stuff in EOW

  9. @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth Wish we’d authorize another responsive Eucharistic prayer in the style of C but with the language of D

  10. @cmccarson @BCPYouth Me too. (Glances over shoulder) most participatory. Love that.

  11. @theologybird @BCPYouth Agreed. Love the additional congregational responses.

  12. @theologybird @BCPYouth When I write Eucharistic Prayers, I like to spread out the speaking parts – even the deacon says something!

  13. @theologybird @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth No one likes Prayer C but me. I love “Earth our island home”. Ah, the Star Trek Eucharistic Prayer!

  14. @GodWelcomesAll @theologybird @BCPYouth I love the line: By his blood, he reconciled us. By his wounds, we are healed. Really beautiful

  15. @cmccarson @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth it’s hard to beat Isaiah. Even sounds good in English

  16. @cmccarson @GodWelcomesAll @theologybird Probably my favorite part of C. I love the language of D though. A and B to me sound really rushed.

  17. @mciszek @theologybird @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth I love Prayer C…followed closely by EOW Prayer 2 and then Prayer D

  18. @mciszek @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth again and again [God] called us to repent. 

  19. @mciszek @theologybird @BCPYouth I love C – Deliver us from the presumption of coming 2 this Table 4 solace only, and not for strength;

  20. @cmccarson @theologybird @BCPYouth And “Risen Lord, be known to us in the breaking of bread!”

  21. @mciszek @theologybird @BCPYouth … for pardon only, and not for renewal. One of the most beautiful lines in the BCP.

  22. @GodWelcomesAll @mciszek @BCPYouth yes. C has a lot of great lines. Obviously.

  23. @theologybird @mciszek @GodWelcomesAll So, can we just have a service that combines all of them? 

  24. @theologybird @mciszek @BCPYouth I love the Incarnational language of B. And EOW 2 & D’s lifting up of Mary.

  25. @GodWelcomesAll @mciszek @BCPYouth B seems to play with the imagery of John 1 in ways I love. “Author of our salvation”

  26. @BCPYouth @theologybird @mciszek That might get a little long, even for me.

  27. @BCPYouth @GodWelcomesAll @theologybird @mciszek Nope. Way too long of a service. Honestly, I like my Eucharist short and sweet.

  28. @theologybird @mciszek @BCPYouth And I love the Eastern heritage of D!

  29. @BCPYouth @GodWelcomesAll @theologybird Least favorite liturgical element from EOW: The “supper of the Lamb” fraction anthem.

  30. @mciszek @BCPYouth @GodWelcomesAll some, not all, great stuff in EOW. (As some will say abt BCP)  

  31. @theologybird @BCPYouth @GodWelcomesAll Agreed, but my rector likes that fraction anthem and used it all summer this last year. :(

  32. @BCPYouth @theologybird @mciszek I love pretty much *all* the BCP, but want more pretty prayers. Dunno that any one book can hold all of it!

  33. @GodWelcomesAll @BCPYouth @mciszek I want to make shirts “I steal my best theology from the Book of common Prayer”

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Hair Loss

My mother wore her hair long until cancer and chemotherapy left her bald. I remember her telling me, from the first of many hospital beds, that she’d chosen to have them shave her whole head. As far as I can remember she handled baldness well with wigs, scarves, and bare scalp.
A few years and inches of hair later, I remember her combing through my even longer hair after her cancer returned and was rediagnosed as we talked about her hair. I mentioned how much I looked forward to her hair growing out again and she said, gently, that that was never going to happen. That was the moment when I really knew she was going to die.

I remember when my second brain tumor was diagnosed and my neurosurgeon mentioned radiation. I read and read and read research. Surgery, yes, radiation, no. ‘No’ in part, in large, because I could not take the thought of that loss on top of the rest of a horrid year.
‘No’ until after my third tumor was found and removed 3 years later. I remember collecting handfuls of hair every night for weeks. I never went bald. In fact, I have so much hair no one else noticed. But there was something about the drain-clogging hair loss that was extra real.

After spending most of the last year debating, I cut my hair today. By a lot. 12+ inches.

12 inches of hair and the bag it goes into before being mailed

I know what I’m doing. I’ve done this exact thing before–four other times if I’m remembering correctly. I like shorter hair (shoulder length now). I like long hair. So from time to time, I go back and forth.

Whenever I do cut this much hair off, I donate it. So my pony tail of superfluous hair goes out in tomorrow’s mail. Not because I’m a good person. Because I know about hair loss. Because this particular loss, this particular grief, is mine too.

We are all more injured, more scarred than we often think. In this we are alike. Just a little.
In this we are not alone.

Categories: My Life, Theology | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Millennials: Starting Young

My parents picked The Episcopal Church for their family long before I chose to stay, and I’ve often thought that TEC ‘stuck’ better in my case than they might have wished. By the time I was the one choosing a lot more was involved than easy Sunday School registration.

The first time I chose TEC I was 14. It was because of my cousins’ non-Episcopal youth group. I had gone on a mission trip with them and came home convinced that I needed a similarly loving and supportive sort of community in my life. As an incoming High School freshman, I decided that my Church needed a youth group.

The same Church that had loved, fed, and supported my family through my mother’s cancer and death loved, encouraged, and supported me. Rides to Diocesan events, money for Provincial events, and when I wandered into someone’s office saying, “I think we should…” no one ever laughed at me. By the time I graduated High School, we had a youth group (creatively name the Grouth Youp), a young person was regularly elected to the vestry, and as a college freshman I was elected to Diocesan Council.

And a Church full of people showed me all of the broken, hurtful humanness of the Church. I saw people I love and respect behave in manners that no one anywhere should. By the time I was 18, I had seen the Church at her best and some of her worst.

So, of course, I stayed. I went to college. I got more involved. I started discernment for the priesthood. I saw more of our best and more ways we are at our worst.

My junior year of college was the year I almost left. I was too tired, too much on the outside, too weary of demanding that I be listened to, be seated at any table, not be ignored.
It was also the year I discovered that I will never leave. This is my home. This is my family.

I learned that I am not an Episcopalian because I like the liturgy or the history or because my parents didn’t pick an ELCA church. I am Episcopalian because the liturgy, our way of being The Church, best helps me be a Christian. My last service in The Episcopal Church will be my funeral. It will be lovely Rite II service with good music and, hopefully, many years from now.

I’m an Episcopal priest. I’ve been in a leadership role in this Church for my entire adulthood. I’ve been choosing The Episcopal Church for more than half my life. It is a rational decision, but even more it is a decision based on need and faith.

Because my parents didn’t pick an ELCA parish, because of the history, because of the liturgy, because of everything we (occasionally) get right. Because this is where I see Jesus.

Categories: Church, Episcopal, My Life | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

(Happy Birthday)x

I’m not  a big birthday person.  It’s not an age thing–one of the perks of being an Episcopal Priest is that I get to be considered “young” until I”m 45 (currently, I’m waiting for them to raise it).  That gives me another 16 years of young.

For years I would be reminded that it was my birthday when my first family member called to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It was always a pleasant surprise that occasionally lead to a friend chastising me over not telling them my birthday was coming up.  So when I finally joined Facebook I listed my birthday.

Now my first reminder that my birthday is coming up is when my Church sings me “Happy Birthday” (visit us for your birthday and we’ll sing for you!).  Then my friends in significantly different time zones start leaving Happy Birthday messages.  Then the day itself arrives and the birthday wishes pour in.

I know that many of these are people just taking a second or two of their day and typing a few words because they got a little notice.

But these people are a couple of seconds to do something because they believe it might brighten my day for a couple of seconds.  And it does.

There are grander gestures and gentler gestures.  Today, on my birthday, I’m cherishing both reminders that I am loved.

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Holy Week and Memories

Holy Week is hard.  That may seem an overly simple statement for a priest to make.  After all, Easter, Resurrection is at the center of our faith.  And this week leading up to it is full: full of weighty symbols, full of meaning, full of Church, full of work.  More sermons to write, more liturgies to plan, more prayers to pray.

We all walk through Holy Week differently.  We bring our own expectations and memories with us.

For me, it’s not just the Good Friday in college where my own personal experience of Easter came early as I felt this indescribable joy while walking to Church and watching the early signs of spring.  Or the first Easter Vigil I went to and begged a ride home from.  Or all of the other memory slivers that pile together.

My memories of one Holy Week are bold against all of that.

My third brain surgery occurred 12 days before Easter.  Surgery itself went well and I was, all things considered, healing quickly.

But I remember sitting in the Chapel on Maundy Thursday knowing that, had I had the energy, I wouldn’t have been able to access the footwashing stations.

I remember watching the Chapel doors swing close from my window across the street, because I was still too tired to cross the street and attend Good Friday services.

I remember sitting in the pews for the Easter Vigil, amazed at the sounds I was hearing.  Singing like nothing I’d ever experienced.

Bound up in these memories, still, Holy Week is about alienation and newness.

Perhaps these memories sit more fully, more weightily during Holy Week because here at the conclusion of a season that begins, “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return” and ends with betrayal, denial, loneliness, and death (before the Easter Resurrection), there is almost space for these sorts of memories.

Here is the Jesus who doesn’t miraculously heal, but stumbles and needs Simon of Cyrene.
Here is Jesus as alone and unsure in Gethsemane.
Here horrific, painful events are unfolding and God’s action is to wait. Not to be absent, but not to intervene.

Here these memories are not so strange.  Here these parts, and all of their echoes, of my story fit in.

Holy Week is hard.

(Also published at Provoketive.)

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